As the election slouches rudely toward the Russian-monitored polling place in your town, there is much to be argued.
But...
Quit arguing about Hillary Clinton going to jail. She’s not going to jail. Bill Clinton’s not going to jail. They’re not going to be locked up.
No matter how convoluted your math, Mexico isn’t paying for the border wall, not in any fashion. If a wall gets built, the people on the north side of the border will pay. Just us.
Stop arguing about reparations for slavery. They’re never going to be paid. Not by me. Not by you. Not by Mexico. Not by Georgia.
Reparations to rich people for eight years of a black man in the White House have already been paid, and will continue to be paid. I paid. You paid. Georgia paid. The weird thing is there have always been black people in the White House but no one cared as long as they were just cooking and doing the laundry.
Quit arguing about gay people. They’re gay. As a nation, we get all misty-eyed over “the brave boys who died on Normandy Beach.” Guess what? Some of those brave boys liked kissing other boys. They just couldn’t tell anyone. They died with their bellies blown open and their guts spilling out, and they died without telling.
Stop arguing about who Jesus thinks should win the election. Jesus doesn’t vote, and he isn’t running for anything. In fact, if you think only people who can speak English should vote, then you wouldn’t have let Jesus vote.
Stop arguing about any kind of real gun control or about “gun confiscation.” There are so many guns in this country if you started confiscating them tomorrow, you’d be done in 50 years. We’re going to have more school shootings, and mall shootings, and church shootings. They’re the price 80 percent of us pay so 20 percent of us can be gunned up like a Marine regiment.
Stop arguing about just how bad slavery “really” was back in the day. It’s a fun little argument if you’re stupid, but the rest of us are tired of listening to you glorify life on the Ol’ Plantation. Here’s the deal. You can tell me slavery wasn’t “that bad” if I can rape your wife and whip you until you bleed. C’mon! We’ll get pizza after!
Stop arguing about universal health care. It’s going to happen because no one can afford the system we’ve got now. People want it, and it’s going to happen.
Lest you think I’m too negative, keep arguing about abortion, because abortion rights are in danger, as are voting rights. If you want both or either one, argue like hell because the other side is winning.
Finally, if you’re young, take this piece of advice from a 62-year-old newspaper columnist. You won’t have to wait too long until the worst of us are dead.
To find out more about Marc Dion, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visitcreators.com. Dion’s latest book, a collection of columns about the rise of Donald J. Trump, is called “The Land of Trumpin’.” It is available in paperback from Amazon.com, and for Kindle, Nook, iBooks and Google Play.