Back in the days before video games in which a man can play as a female character, we (and by “we” I mean street-corner bums like me) had a simple rule that helped us determine if a guy was gay.
If you ever did anything sexual with another man at any time, for any reason, you were gay forever.
That was the rule. For a lot of men, it still is. Ask around. Some of us guys skipped or slept through the sensitivity training video at work. We also slept through the video about how to avoid on-the-job injuries. We’re guys. We are sometimes magnificently careless.
So let’s take a minute to see how the age-old regular guy’s “are you gay” test works.
Are you gay if you only had sex with another man once?
Yes.
How about if you were really drunk?
You’re gay.
No, I mean really, really, puke-in-the-microwave drunk?
You’re gay.
What if it was a long time ago, and you were really young, like in high school, and you were really drunk?
You’re gay.
What if you were really young, and your parents were rich, so you thought you could climb on top of anything?
You’re gay, and you’re kind of a pansy because your old man had money.
The other guy was dressed as a woman?
Still gay.
No eye contact?
Still gay.
You never, ever did it again?
Sorry, pal. You’re gay.
Turns out the street-corner guy “gay test” didn’t stand up to the ravages of science, but it’s a useful way to think about sexual assault.
Drunk. Sober. Young. Rich. Poor. Only once. She was scantily dressed. She was naked. You were naked. Hey, c’mon, man, it was spring break!
None of that counts. If she doesn’t want you to put your hands on her, and you do put your hands on her, you’ve assaulted her.
Done. Finished.
If you’re walking down the street, and there’s a guy passed out drunk in his car with the engine running, and you open the door, pull him out onto the street, get in and drive his car away, did you steal his car?
Tell it to the judge, pretty boy.
How about if it was spring break?
You’re still going to the can.
The Republican Party is the party of “personal responsibility.”
If you’re poor, you’re responsible. If you’re pregnant, you’re responsible. If you’re poor and pregnant you’re responsible. If you’re too old to work, you’re responsible. If you’re sneaking across the Mexican border with your toddler, your toddler is responsible. If you’re black, you’re responsible for stuff you haven’t even done.
That great reverence for personal responsibility vanishes from the Republican Party as soon a guy with a couple of dollars in his wallet puts his hands on a woman.
To find out more about Marc Dion, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.