Since I am assured the bathroom down at my favorite seven-stool, five-table, no-we-don’t-have-a-blender bar is about to be overrun by female-to-male transgender freedom fighters, I figured I’d help ‘em out a little bit.
First of all, I assume most of them will just buy the clothes and get the haircut. And then, when they go into my men’s room, they’ll just skitter into a stall, like I’m sure my wife does.
They’re going to miss the fun and camaraderie of public urination. That’s why I urge people who want to become men to get the surgery. It’s expensive and it hurts, but I really can’t stand with you until you stand next to me, if you know what I’m saying.
If you get re-plumbed, you’ve already broken one of the man rules by going to the doctor voluntarily. If you’re a real man, then you go to the doctor only when you’ve got a piece of metal embedded in you somewhere or your wife makes you go.
But let’s say you have gone, and you are now a physical man. You’re gonna want to belly up to the urinal.
First of all, those “no eye contact” and “no talking” rules are for guys who have never been in the military, or in prison, or had an outside job where the boss didn’t provide bathroom facilities.
For men, the whole world is our bathroom. We’re like dogs. We’re not embarrassed by anything that might happen or any vile sounds or smells we might produce. In fact, if you just got the plumbing re-done, I recommend you start by relieving yourself outside. Live the freedom. Another good place to begin is one of those sports stadiums where, instead of urinals, they have a long trough and you stand shoulder-to-shoulder, talking about that last home run. I once saw a guy stand at just such a sports stadium trough, eating a slice of pizza with his right hand while his left remained out of sight. I couldn’t give him any lip about it, either. I was smoking a cigar.
You don’t have to wash your hands when you’re done, either. To be honest, most of us don’t. I told you, we’re not embarrassed by anything. You can check your hair in the mirror before you go — in case that nice-looking girl at the bar lets you buy her a drink. She’ll notice if your hair looks good, but she’ll never know you didn’t wash your hands, so why bother?
As to what you say to the guy next to you, talk about that girl at the bar. Ask him what the line is on the game. You don’t have to specify which game, either. He’ll know.
If you can’t think of anything else, say, “You don’t buy beer, you just rent it.” He’ll laugh. Trust me. I’ve heard that line 416,000 times and I’ve laughed every time.
You ready? Tell ya what. There are probably five guys in there. Let’s just go out by the dumpster.
You get any on these shoes and I’ll kill ya.