I simply don’t understand how anyone past the age of 10 functions in the morning without the aide of caffeine. I really don’t, I can’t fathom going an entire morning with coffee.
I need my brown nectar of the gods just to simply get dressed in the morning and to be able to perform even the most basic of my job functions — like remembering what the context of an email I received two minutes ago was about when trying to explain it to my boss.
As I write this, I’m only two days into the work week and I’m dragging due to the news side of the Daily News being without coffee. A few weeks ago, my surrogate sister, coworker and famed-millionaire Kate Malott got the brilliant idea to purchase a 72 pack of K-cups from Costco.
For the uninitiated, K-Cups are this big coffee scam created by the Keurig Company to get you to buy their overpriced one cup at a time coffee machines. Here’s the kicker, the only thing that works in the machines are, yup, you guessed it — K-Cups. Name one real coffee drinker that drinks “one cup of coffee,” I bet you can’t think of a single one. Sorry, decaf people don’t count as real coffee drinkers.
Anyway, as Kate’s surrogate big brother — although I’m technically younger, I’m way taller — I was disappointed that she not only bought into Keurig’s scam, but that she bought K-Cups despite the fact she nor the news side of the office owned a K-Cup machine.
Her justification, for this heinous crime against my caffeine dependency, was that “It was such a good deal.”
Luckily for us, and I use the term very loosely, the advertising side had a K-Cup machine, that operated about as efficiently as an ’80s VHS player, they were willing to let us borrow. I hated that machine and the fact that I had to run it twice just get one full cup of coffee fueled my K-Cup hatred even more.
I drink one cup at home, one on the drive to work and I usually down three to four cups in the office in the morning.
So to say that I wasn’t happy with the amount of coffee our terrible, ancient, scam of a coffee maker put out is an understatement. We ran through those 72 K-Cups in about eight working days. If we purchased regular coffee in bulk from Costco, that amount can usually last up to a month.
With so much stuff happening back home with my family and in Jasper County with politics and in the schools, my body has needed my usual dosages of caffeine more than ever! I have to thank God that my favorite coffee shop in the entire world, not just Newton, has been there to fulfill my coffee needs.
The place I’m talking about is Uncle Nancy’s Coffeehouse in downtown on the north side of the square. I know that every time I come in there, I can depend on getting some good natured ribbing from the owner Gina, who I refer to as “Mama,” and Traci and Jenni my favorite baristas, but most importantly — fresh and delicious cups of coffee.
Mama always makes sure to let me know what new flavors she has coming in and which ones I should try first, and the ladies there seem to put up with my habit of starting random conversations about everything from “Fake Rolexes” to shouting to kids to “stay in school.”
And on the rare occasions I stray away from my usual large coffee, they can usually easily convince me to add whipped cream to my drink by playing up “the yummy factor” it adds. I secretly think every Iowan is out to destroy my diet by offering me delicacies and generous portions — curse you, you cordial people.
In the year-plus that I’ve been in Newton, I’ve run through at least five Uncle Nancy punch cards, which should tell you how good it is and why I’m willing to spend my hard-earned money in there. We all know I’m cheap and poor and to put this into perspective, I purchase the coffee for my apartment at Dollar Tree.
Don’t get me wrong, I frequent other coffee providers in Newton, but as I tell Mama again and again, “I’m an Uncle Nancy’s boy.”