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Some mighty big shoes to fill

Published: Thursday, March 13, 2014 11:16 a.m. CDT

Clowns send a cold shiver down my spine. Clowns play a recurring role in any nightmare I have.

Clowns are the reason I am still afraid to be in the dark. Clowns are why I look over my shoulder when I am walking down the street by myself.

So I breathed a sigh of relief recently upon learning the glorious news that America is suffering from a clown shortage. The life and times of a career clown are fading, or so says the president of Clowns of America International.

The clown population in this nation is at an all-time low and clown experts claim membership in clown organizations have dwindled in the past decade.

I contacted the president of the International Association of Mimes about these developments and he refused to speak with me and otherwise had no comment.

To any clowns who may be reading this, please don’t take offense. I am just overjoyed because this shortage of clowns drastically reduces my actual chances of being murdered by a clown in the shower (provided that any clowns reading this are not offended and are not the murdering type).

I think I speak for a wide segment of the population when I suggest that clowns are absolutely terrifying. I can’t for the life of me understand why because that’s the exact opposite image that a clown wants to project.

In the case of clowns, I am afraid that for me it’s another example of a few bad apples — Pennywise and John Wayne Gacy — ruining the bunch.

So I say good riddance to clowns because even on a fundamental level clowns are scary. If you don’t believe me let us try an experiment. Think of the worst way to die.

Now think of the worst way to die and imagine a clown also being involved. For instance, falling overboard off a ship is pretty scary.

Not the way any one of us wishes to leave this Earth.

Envision floating out at sea, the muscle fatigue and the constant paranoia of sharks. Now imagine a clown swimming in your direction, just over the next crashing wave.

Just thinking about that gives me a case of the heebie-jeebies.

Even if you take away the white makeup, the red nose and the dramatically large shoes clowns are scary. The type of person behind the costume is unsettling to think about.

The main reason is at some point in time during a person’s life they were going through a rough patch and wondering what their purpose in life was.

And somehow deciding to become a clown was the solution.

After all, what decent human being actually elects to enroll in Clown College?

I don’t think it is too much of a surprise to learn about the deflating population of clowns across the country. I don’t think clowns get many work benefits.

Maybe a leftover piece of birthday cake here or there, but besides that and carpooling opportunities it all seems meaningless to me.

Personally, that’s one of the great things I love about America.

That’s what we are worried about, a shortage of clowns. Talk about living high on the hog.

Do you think other countries are as distressed as America is about a clown shortage? Of course not!

A clown shortage is a First World problem if I ever heard one. Other countries are more concerned about a shortage of food, drinkable water, stable government and undeniable human rights. Do you think the populace of Ukraine is worried about this alleged shortage of clowns?

I use the words “alleged shortage of clowns” because I genuinely feel this is nothing but clown propaganda. There can’t actually be a shortage of clowns because the halls of American government are filled with them.

Though with unemployment rates as high as they are and the need for more clowns ever-present, perhaps this could be the much-needed shot in the arm to bolster our economy. If this next generation decides to follow in the large footsteps of famous clowns like Bozo, then more power to them.

I just hope they understand that they will have some mighty big (and terrifying) shoes to fill.

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