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National Editorials & Columns

Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!

Missile talks were reignited in Iran this month, but for once they didn’t involve blowing up Israelites and infidels — instead they involved monkeys.

That’s right, Iran, the country we all love to hate, “successfully” launched a monkey into space recently.

Personally I think that makes Iran look like less of a world threat. We shouldn’t be worried about Iran’s nuclear weapon program. They showed the world their hand with all of this monkey malarkey.

Iran just showed the world how shallow and empty their vague, villainous threats really are to the world at large.

Firing a small, furry animal into the sky isn’t rocket science. OK, well, actually it is, but what I’m trying to say is it’s not that difficult of a feat to accomplish. Give me some bottle rockets, a roll of duct tape, a matchbook and let me borrow your pet cat for the afternoon and I’ll prove it to you.

Hey, Iran, America’s 1948 space program called. It wanted its gimmick back. What old-fashioned, modern-day breakthrough will be conducted and celebrated next in Iran? Announcing the world isn’t flat or performing their first-ever flight over the Atlantic Ocean?

Been there, done that.

I mean, could Iran be any more behind the game? On an international level, Iran has just proven that they are the fat kid running laps in gym class — they finally crossed the finish line, but dang, it took them long enough.

I think we can all agree that while Iran was rocketing monkeys off into space they should have started with former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Everyone is clamoring nonsense all the time about how big of a threat Iran is to the West. What are they going to do, launch their army of flying monkeys at us? That only worked in the “Wizard of Oz.”

Personally I don’t like living in a world where Iran is shooting hapless primates into outer space unchecked. What business does Iran want with space? Did they hear there were some women up there they could persecute, oppress or objectify?

This was actually Iran’s second “successful” monkey launch. The first was last January, but that attempt came under fire when the monkey shown in recovery pictures drastically differed from those taken in pre-launch photographs. I think that technically qualifies as, uh, monkey business, does it not? It’s like the Iranian equivalent of the Apollo 11 moon landing hoax.

The only evidence Iran provided to their state-run media outlets of the launch was a still photograph of the monkey in question. You ought to see the picture of this poor thing. The monkey, named Fargam, was wearing what looks like a life vest and was strapped into this rocket seat. The monkey looks absolutely terrified.

Iran wasn’t the only nation in the news this month concerning outer space, either. China launched a lunar probe and triumphantly landed a robotic rover on the moon for the express purpose of, essentially, taking pictures and studying geological structures. That makes zero sense to me. Hasn’t anyone in China ever heard of Google Images before? Oh wait, that’s right — China’s militaristic, censoring government doesn’t allow its citizens to use Google.

I don’t like the idea of Chinese robots on the moon rolling around to and fro on the desolate landscape. What’s stopping China from declaring the moon theirs? It gives me the heebie-jeebies. That’s the stuff that fuels nightmares if you ask me.

Now all of the political pundits are pondering whether or not these, by American standards archaic, space exploration tactics will restart another space race. Well I certainly hope not. All America has to show for the billions of dollars we threw at the space race are a few dozen moon rocks.

What I don’t understand is why Iran and China are spending millions of dollars with space missions our country performed in the 1940s and 1960s respectively.

Then again for both countries perhaps it is simply a case of monkey see, monkey do.

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