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National Editorials & Columns

My own personal shutdown

Usually Washington’s ineptitude enthusiastically inspires me to post glib and uninformed political opinions on social networking sites to better alienate myself from family and perceived friends. But for once our government’s incompetence has actually served to inspire me to evoke hope and change within myself to better this country.

I am of course glibly referring to our federal government’s current impotence, dereliction of duty and apathetic attitude toward winning the hearts and minds of millions.

Inspired by these recent bureaucratic events I have made a decision. Effective immediately, I am shutting down. Shutting down, like, completely.

Exactly like the federal government.

Normally both vilified political parties in Washington endorse the dependent behaviors of the masses, but here they are quite literally leading by example, and what a fine example they are setting. Both parties are guilty of ironically misunderstanding the sole definition of the word democracy in ways much too serious to describe within this newsprint.

The Will E Sanders Shutdown, or WESS for short, went into effect last midnight in an announcement I made to nobody in particular. Goodbye actual job and personal responsibility. Hello canned, faux Italian pastas and healthy doses of drama-filled daytime TV.

Until this shut down is lifted I am going to neglect every personal obligation I have in my life. In addition, I will be undergoing more relaxed opinions regarding hygiene, showering, properly dressing myself and sometimes secretly using the sink as a toilet until my own personal shutdown is terminated.

Household chores are simply out of the question. My grass can grow until next spring for all I care.

Under this personal shut down I will not allow my wife the option of choosing which shows on television to watch. I will choose for her. I am a man and she is a woman.

Heredity demands that I tell others what is best for them and knowing what is best for others — just like how it is in Washington.

Plus, I will fall back on a false sense of pride, misguided philosophy and an undeserved arrogance. I will spend the entire day sitting cross-legged in the corner sucking my thumb like a temperamental child throwing a temper tantrum at Toys R Us.

Until the cable company shuts off my Internet for non-payment I will espouse my judgmental and misinformed political opinions on Facebook and Twitter. I will post links to New York Times articles that I’ve only read the first three paragraphs of in a hollow attempt to validate my low self-worth and faltering intelligence.

So if you need me, I’ll be sleeping on the couch until this thing blows over.

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