There comes a time in every woman’s life when she must look at the choices she has made and ask herself whether she is living her best life. After careful consideration and a lot of soul-searching, I’ve decided that I am ready to pursue a different career path. This decision didn’t come easily, and I hope I can rely on all of your support as I venture into my new occupation as ... a filthy rich aristocrat.
Enough of this dillydallying with money and bills. In my new career as the executor to my own immense wealth, I will “work” at trying to find new and creative ways to spend my boatloads of cash. To start, I must buy boats and physically load them with cash. I’m confident it will be smooth sailing from there.
Always an advocate of education, I will focus my new career on putting money toward logical and attainable scientific undertakings, such as mating the Tasmanian devil and a tiger to genetically re-engineer the extinct Tasmanian tiger. I will become the founder and CEO of new charities, such as the Make Purple Finches Purple Foundation. We’ve been mocked long enough by that red bird, and once I get promoted to aristocrat, I’m not going to take it anymore! And is it just me, or does a closetful of sweaters made from dandelion fluff seem like a must-have in every classroom?
In my new occupation, I will remain blissfully unaware of small matters such as rent, the mortgage and the cost of my custom-ordered Aston Martin, made entirely of bamboo and fueled by gluten-free spaghetti. I will wade in my swimming pool vault of gold coins, but unlike Scrooge McDuck, I will be a benevolent aristocrat — better than the Crawley family of “Downton Abbey.” I’ll hire a maid for my maid’s maid and a cook to make dinner for my chef’s family. I’ll write enormously oversize checks to important political campaigns, such as Bring Back the Telegram.
Don’t let my excitement over my new career give you the wrong idea. Deciding whether to become an aristocrat was a heart-rending experience. I love my job. But I knew it was time to begin combing Craigslist for positions of ridiculous wealth when something devastating pushed me over the edge. Last Friday, I was sitting at my desk, typing away, when I realized it wasn’t Friday. It was Monday. A devastating blow so early in the workweek. It felt like Friday because I had worked all weekend, catching up on side projects and cleaning my house.
That night, while rocking my baby to sleep, I found myself apologizing to him for being absent. I had barely seen him the week before because of long work hours, and the weekend had been spent on chores rather than on peekaboo.
It was time for an Oprah moment. Time to re-evaluate my life’s decisions. Whoever says money doesn’t buy happiness doesn’t understand simple mathematics. Happiness may not be for sale, but time is. Money buys time. Free time creates happiness. Therefore, money buys happiness. This is simple A-squared-plus-B-squared-equals-C-squared stuff. I may have almost failed sixth-grade math, but I understand this equation.
The problem is that I have searched job websites for nearly a week now but haven’t seen any openings to become a person of immense wealth. I tried reaching out to my alma mater’s career center to see whether anyone there knew of any internships that would help me get my foot in the door of the aristocracy, but no one has responded to my email. I’m sure everyone is just busy.
Last night, I Googled Kim Kardashian’s contact information so I could ask her how she got her first aristocrat gig. Surprisingly, her number is unlisted. Maybe I should try G-chatting Paris Hilton.
Truth be told, I feel as if I’m in a race against the clock. It will only be so long until other people have the same epiphany I did and decide to pursue their own careers in simply being wealthy. I will have competition! If I’m being serious about my future career, I have to be proactive about making it happen. Next month, I’m going to Las Vegas and putting it all down on red. Guaranteed immense wealth. I can’t believe no one’s thought of this! New career, here I come!