In your emails to me, many of you have mentioned I don’t write enough columns reflecting your opinions about guns, Jesus, political correctness, the Federal Reserve Bank, Mexicans, Muslims, spanking, gay marriage, bathroom rights and privileges, abortion, the Book of Revelations and the fact that black slavery “wasn’t so bad.”
That’s why I’m announcing my new “Personalized Column Program,” an exciting, brutally capitalist plan that allows you to see your crazy opinions in print.
Here’s how it works.
In the coming weeks, you will receive an emailed copy of my “personalized column form.” The form, which was created without the use of blood-sucking, lazy union labor, will be emailed to you from, and was created in, a swelteringly oppressive Third World country where workers who did not produce their daily quota of emails were beaten to death.
When you receive the form, fill it out carefully, including your name, address, gender and religious affiliation. There are only two genders two chose from — male and female — and I will throw away any form sent to me by non-Christians. Whaddaya think I’m running here, some kind of gay, pagan business?
On page two of the form, you will find a spacious and comfortable box in which to write just what you would like me to say in your personalized column.
If you cannot fit your request in the box provided, please feel free to attach additional pages, on which you may write in your own blood as proof of sincerity.
Permitted language includes vile personal attacks on non-whites and non-Christians, demeaning statements about women and the poor and impassioned pleas against vaccination, fluoridation and mongrelization of the white race.
Please include all relevant documentation, including pages torn from the Bible, “secret” Masonic documents, copies of Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate and a 400-page transcript of your correspondence with the Mudwallow County police department concerning their unlawful confiscation of your guns after you pistol-whipped your wife nearly to death.
When you have completed the form (and it’s probably going to take a few months) send it to me along with $475,000 in cash. I cannot accept online payments at this time, but I hope to offer that option after I move to a small Caribbean nation.
Your personalized column purchase is important to me, and your column will be written in the order it was received. You can expect to see your opinion in print as soon as I go “off the grid” and get to some remote beach where the lying liberal government can’t keep me from writing the truth. Be patient.
Complete confidentiality is guaranteed. Your personalized column will appear under my name, so if you have any warrants out, no one is going to come looking for you. Only you and the members of your white supremacist brotherhood will ever have to know it’s actually your opinion.
Freedom of the press isn’t free. You have to pay me.