Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, is among those friends of mine I never got to meet. A truthteller with a gift for rhyme and whimsy, Seuss gave the world “Green Eggs and Ham,” and, with all respect due to the good doctor, I offer a re-write for FOX news sneering head Bill O’Reilly, who spun a pretty good story of his own heroics while covering the Falklands War.
I will, Bill.
Bill, I will.
You know I will.
You know it, Bill.
Believe I will,
The tales of Bill.
Were you in
A zone of war?
I was in a zone of war,
With bombs and bullets,
And much more.
I will believe you.
Bill, I will.
A zone of war?
Please tell me where?
Was it here or was it there?
In the land of rice and beans,
Somewhere in the Argentine,
I face bravely faced both shot and shell.
And yes, oh yes, I’ve lived to tell.
I will believe you.
Bill, I will.
You wouldn’t spin it, would you Bill?
The tale of you and San Juan Hill?
I wouldn’t lie, I’ll tell you soon
About my first walk on the moon.
I will believe you,
Bill, I will.
You would not lie,
Oh, not on Fox.
You would not lie
To a plate of lox.
Your followers believe you, Bill.
And you know they always will.
Did you defend the Alamo?
Say it Bill, we know it’s so.
Will I believe you?
Bill, I will.
Would you tell untruths to a mouse?
Or to a member of the House?
Would you tell lies to all the ones
Who love their Bibles and their guns?
Will I believe you?
Bill, I will.
Did bullets whistle round your head?
Did you nearly end up dead?
Your answers I don’t have to coax;
You wouldn’t lie to simple folks.
Will I believe you?
Bill, I will.
Behind a desk you nightly sit,
And bend the news until it fits.
And tell us things you say are true
About the glory that was you.
Would you lie in a car?
Tell us! Tell us!
Here we are.
Would you embellish
In a tree?
Would you embellish on TV?
You would not, could not in a tree.
Not in a car! We’ll let you be.
You don’t lie when you’re in a box
Or nightly, when we all watch FOX.
Never, ever to a mouse
Or to a member of the House.
Embellishment is not a sin!
It’s just the truth
With a little spin.
Will I believe you?
Bill, I will!
Marc Munroe Dion is a nationally syndicated columnist. Dion’s book of Pulitzer Prize-nominated columns, “Between Wealth and Welfare: A Liberal Curmudgeon in America,” is available on Nook and Kindle.