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44 fun jobs that pay, well ...

Published: Thursday, May 8, 2014 11:24 a.m. CST

I can’t believe it! An article at Ranker.com that lists “44 Jobs That Pay Well” completely missed the mega-bucks, mega-giggles gig I have at this quality media outlet writing a column about the 44 jobs that pay well.

Sorry, Ranker.com. You’ll just have to adjust your algorithm.

(For those of you who have already started polishing your resumes, I’m not saying that it’s impossible to dislodge me from this position on top of the journalistic heap, but you will need a very special combination of brains, brawn, breathtaking good looks and the ability to feed a family of four on pennies a day.) (Note: a taste for surplus government cheese helps.)

For everyone else looking for the maximum bang of fun from your payday buck, let’s see if the writers at Ranker are right in insisting that “fun, well-paying jobs actually do exist and you do not have to spend your time grinding away at something you do not enjoy just to make a high salary.”

Fun Job No.1 is “Voice-Over Artist,” and I do have to admit that it is difficult for me to see why dramatically vocalizing the merits of some mediocre product is much fun, even for an average annual salary of $80K. On the positive side, making ridiculous claims for a sugary breakfast cereal or slimy insurance company would be easy-peasy compared to all the times you’ve had to come up with voice-over responses about how your management is “Hmmm-Hmmm good,” or your work is “Yumilicious.”

Fun Job No. 2, “Video Game Player,” does seem like a good option, especially considering that you already spend a large portion of your workday playing video games. Perhaps you could combine the two careers, adding the professional gamer’s $50K annual salary to the puny remuneration you currently collect.

Putting two salaries together would not only double your fun, it could allow you to buy yourself a Ferrari. It’s not such a random purchase when you consider that Fun Job No. 4, coming in at a $120K annual salary, is “Ferrari Driving Instructor.” I’m not sure why being a Ferrari driving instructor pays so much more than, say, being a Prius driving instructor.

I guess you get the big bucks to pay for all the psychiatric help you will need to salve your bruised ego and shattered nerves after spending your days with the obnoxious 1-percenters who can afford to buy Ferraris, not to mention the humiliation you will suffer spending your days wearing a gondolier’s outfit.

Fun Job No. 27, “Magician,” would be an easy switch for you. Anyone who can pull off the illusion of being an engaged, caring, productive employee should have no problem pulling a rabbit from a hat. Another easy, horizontal move for you would be Fun Job No. 31, “Live Mannequin.” The job description for this $100-an-hour job is “ human statue.” In other words, “you sit frozen in place for hours, with a blank expression on your face, and absolutely nothing on your mind.” And yes, I’m quoting from your last job review.

The fun in Fun Job No. 36, “Fire Chief,” and Fun Job No. 37, “Cruise Director,” has to be the fun outfits you get to wear. Whether you choose to run into a burning building to save a pet poodle or stand at the bow of your cruise ship as it slowly sinks into the sea, you will have the satisfaction that you really do look spiffy.

In your case, I thought the most fun, fun job that paid well might be No. 43, “Medical Test Subject.” Though the annual salary is only $50K, the chances that you will still be alive after a year are minimal, so why sweat it? Still, it does make sense for you. Since you already have so many strange diseases and weird disorders, your employers will not have to spend a penny to infect you. This goes double if the medical tests are aimed at finding cures for depression. All it takes for you to be plunged into clinical despair is the sight of your manager coming around the corner. And there is definitely a fortune in store for any drug company that can beat your current medical treatment — beer.

The one final, big-fun, high-paying position I see for you is actually at Ranker.com. The title of their article is “44 Fun Jobs That Pay Well.” Their list lists 47 different positions. Clearly, there’s a fun, well-paying job at this website for someone who can count.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning in Sausalito, California. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.

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