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A bad case of Olympics fever

Published: Friday, Feb. 14, 2014 11:25 a.m. CDT

The thing I love the most about the Winter Olympics is it’s perfectly acceptable to announce my hatred toward other countries.

Not only that, but the Olympics practically encourages hysterical xenophobia and unjust mistrust and disgust toward foreigners. During the Olympics voicing contempt for other nations is the patriotic thing to do.

Hoorah, USA!

Take Canada, for instance. Most of the time I love Canada.

Why wouldn’t I normally love Canada? What rational, perfectly sane and logical person doesn’t?

Canada gave the world hockey, alkaline batteries, William Shatner, the electric wheelchair — and let’s not forget the false hope that Americans could successfully institute a government-run universal healthcare program. Eh?

This is why I have loved Canada for the last three years, 11 months and 15 days. But for 16 days every four years I hate Canada, every other country on Earth (especially North Korea), and all of their vastly inferior athletes.

That’s why I am always surprised when the Olympics receive such poor television ratings. We are all Americans.

Hating other people, other countries, other lifestyles, and people that look different than us is what we are internationally known for. So why aren’t more Americans watching the Olympics?

Me? I have the fever; Olympics fever that is.

Winter Olympics fever, at least for me, includes couch sores, increased laziness, blurred vision, indigestion (from large quantities of salty snacks), and the elevated urge to call in sick to work.

My favorite event has to be that weird skiing competition where all of the contestants are carrying rifles over their shoulders. They all ski for awhile and then whip out their firearms at random intervals to let the lead fly downrange.

What’s that sport called? Ski-shooting? Or is that the one involving clay pigeons? Or is it called the biathlon? If you ask me they ought to rename the event involuntary manslaughter.

Who came up with this event? Is skiing not already tough enough? There is always the threat of slamming into a tree like Sonny Bono or careening off the side of a cliff, Wile E. Coyote style.

Then one day someone came along and apparently didn’t like what they were witnessing.

“Skiing is thrilling and death-defying, but what can we do to make it a little more dangerous? What if we gave all of the skiers a gun and just, you know, sit back and watch what happens?”

I can’t believe nobody has died from this sport. While we’re at it lets just give all of the skiers a pair of scissors to hold out in front of them while traversing the slopes.

Or maybe release some bulls behind them. Unstable guys and gals on snow skis firing sporadically at targets amid a sea of spectators and avalanche-prone mountains is just a recipe for disaster if you ask me.

Then again, maybe it’s a good thing so many skiers are fully loaded during the Sochi Olympics given my forgone conclusion that it will be tarnished by an inevitable terrorist attack.

I just wish the International Olympic Committee would include guns in other events. Can you imagine a female ice skater whirling down the rink, twirling in a triple axel, simultaneously whipping out a sawed-off shotgun and firing it into the air? I can.

One of the strangest Winter Olympics events has to be curling. Every four years everybody falls in love with the intrigue of curling, only to forget about the sport the instant the Olympics end.

I’m entirely convinced that curling is a made up sport with no actual rules. I bet curling was invented by people from Finland, Switzerland, Norway and other frozen wastelands that weren’t any good at ice skating and wanted to be good at something — even if that something involved a large granite stone, brooms and ridiculous outfits.

Congratulations, you can push a large rock across a slick sheet of ice while rabidly using a push broom like a hyperactive moron. Here — here is your medal, now get off the ice rink. Speed skating is about to start.

The only curling I care about during the Olympics is curling up on the couch and vehemently despising other countries.

Let’s go, USA!

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