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National Editorials & Columns

The Right to Bare Arms

While you are reading this I could sneak up from behind and slash your neck with a broken compact disc. And if I did would you call for a massive ban on outdated technology?

We could have a ban on CDs, but what would that accomplish? About the same thing banning guns would do.

I’ll be upfront about this. Both sides of the gun debate are littered with illogical morons who need to take a chill pill. Guns aren’t going anywhere and they will never be banned. That was tried once before, and anybody well-acquainted with an elementary school history book knows this to be true. I don’t recall that working out very well. Something about — oh, I don’t know — people revolting, creating and fighting for their own country, and apparently writing some document guaranteeing certain rights.

Or maybe my memory is off.

And what allowed us to form our own country? It wasn’t the wild buffalo, that’s for sure. The freedoms we inherited were the result of guns. Deal with it. Without guns we would have no rights. With no rights there would have never been a women’s movement, a civil rights movement or even the Safety Dance. Do you want to live in a world devoid of the Safety Dance? That’s the question we really should be asking ourselves here.

A government ban on anything always works out so well, too. Take drugs for instance. Good thing drugs are illegal, right? So maybe we should ban guns. Because that last person I want holding a gun is a law-abiding citizen — that or a criminal, because criminals are so good at following rules.

But some people are just too arrogant and stupid and actually think they can solve the world’s problems based on one specific incident. Newsflash: people have been killing people since the dawn of time. If a portly fellow in Massachusetts chokes on his food and dies does that mean we should ban forks? Forks make very good implements of death, too.

The whole gun debate is pointless. It’s an argument between a group of people who do not like or own guns versus a group of people who love and own guns. Let me ask you something, who do you think will win that war?

Nobody says, “I want to live in a world where we have to give up our guns, but the government gets to keep the ones they have.” Yeah, I don’t see a problem with that, do you? Nothing bad could possibly come out of that, according to world history, right?

Read a book, please!

I don’t own a gun myself. I’m more of the cowardly type and I usually look for a place to slink off to when danger draws near instead of firing bullets at it. Plus, when you have a set of guns like these —- please bear in mind I’m pointing to my bare biceps at the moment — no amount of firepower can replicate the genuine strength and power of these bad boys. Oh daddy, you don’t want to get in the crosshairs of these huge guns.

Because let me tell you my bulging biceps bring a whole new meaning to the phrase — and our God given right — to bare arms.

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