We’re buying a new car this weekend. I’m hoping the clunker we’re using for a trade-in doesn’t conk out before we get to the showroom, or drop its engine when the salesman opens the hood.

The “Check Engine” light comes on randomly; no one at any garage seems to know how to fix it. If it’s not lit up when we get to the dealership, do we have to mention it? If the shoe were on the other foot, would the car dealer tell us? The clown who sold us the car didn’t mention that the windshield leaks when it rains or that the muffler was 20 miles from falling off. It actually dropped off in our driveway, which was unexpectedly convenient.

We didn’t notice the stain in the backseat that has grown bigger and more prominent over the years. At first we thought the seat was being bleached by the sun; now we think a bloodstain is becoming visible again as the cleaning agent wears off. The only way you can open the driver’s side door is to roll down the window and pull the handle from the outside. They tell me a 29-cent part will fix that. But it will cost $300 to pull apart the door to install it.