When it comes to walking my dog, Silas, an age-old riddle comes to mind: Where does an 800-pound gorilla sleep? The answer is remarkably close to a riddle I have myself. When, exactly, does a 90-pound, high-strung and incredibly fussy Doberman pinscher go for a walk?

Whenever he wants to — and he will take his evening walk just before midnight each night, every night, thank you very much.

I enjoy owning a dog. It better allows me to ponder committing actual property crimes, everything from petty theft to criminal mischief, which is the best kind of mischief to be causing if you’re asking me.