Monday mornings are bad enough without my overweight hillbilly neighbors screaming out accusations related to my personal life. Yet nothing stopped one of them the other day from doing just that.

I was walking my Doberman pinscher, Silas, when it happened. At the time I was in a hurried attempt to get Silas to accomplish the one thing it would seem he sorely lacks the ability to accomplish — dropping his drawers outside. Inside Silas has no problem dropping a deuce on the dining room floor and scampering away like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs.

But when Silas is outside it's an entirely different story. When Silas finally decides to go number two he does so as if applying a steady stream of caulk. He usually haunches over, begins relieving himself and then scoots forward during the agonizing process, leaving behind a footpath of feces. On top of that, Silas has trouble maintaining his balance on account of his old age and past problems with his legs. This of course means sometimes he falls backward and right into — well, you guessed it — his own waste.